Thursday, 21 November 2019

Part Four : What I'm Looking Forward To Now I'm Thirty

 What I'm Looking Forward To

 Okay, so hopefully you've stuck with me throughout the last few posts and managed to learn a little bit more about me. I've discussed the last ten years of my life and what I learned and where I ended my twenties. Now i'm thirty which I still can't believe I feel like i'm starting this next chapter of my life in the best mental state i've ever been in. I learned so much in my twenties and because of that i've been able to determine what is important to me and what really isn't worth my time. 
 Because of my experiences in life so far i feel like i'm ready to start a whole new chapter and I look forward to everything I am going to be able to achieve. After some ups and downs in friendships I now have the best people around me who benefit my life in one way or another. Whether it be for support, advice or even just a general chit chat and catch up I now have a group of people who I know I can turn to no matter what. 

 In terms of my relationship I am at the most special time of my life. I have the man of my dreams queue the soppiness now ha and I can not even begin to imagine my world without him. He is everything I could have ever asked for. He provides me with Love, support, friendship and advice, comfort, safety and much much more. He cares for me like no one ever has and I genuinely look forward to spending the rest of my life with him. I look forward to everything we are going to experience together. Travelling the world and starting a little family of our very own one day soon fingers crossed! and also finding out forever home. 

I cannot even express to you how excited I am and grateful I am for the past experiences i've had. They've changed me as a person for the better and I am now on the right track to having my confidence back and finding pure happiness. 

 When you're young it's impossible to truly know and think about where your life is going to go and with all the highs and lows you're inevitably going to go through. 

Thank you for sticking with me throughout this little mini series and I hope you enjoyed reading. I will be looking to post more on here so if there's anything you wish to know about me if i haven't mentioned it already or if theres anything you wish me to cover then please let me know. 

Don't forget to check out my Instagram here as i'll also be changing this up and sharing more of my day to day life. 


Tuesday, 19 November 2019

Part Three : Relationships In My Twenties - & Where They Stand Now

Relationships ; The Ups & The Downs

I'm going to try to keep this as short and sweet as possible, but hey i'm only human and I've been through a lot when it comes to relationships lol please stick with me.

 I met my first boyfriend in my early twenties (i'd had a short term 'relationship' in my late teens but that wasn't that serious) on one our "girl trips" away to a Greek island back in 2011/2012 I think. It was very unexpected and a bit of a world wind to say the least. I realise for a lot of people 'summer/holiday romances' are a thing, but for me it was the last thing I was looking for. I mean I guess it's the last thing that anyone is looking for to be honest but hey it happens. Anyway, I was on this holiday and we would always meet group of fellow party goers and would inevitably get talking etc as it's pretty much the norm when you're in a new place and theres a whole bunch of new people. One night we got chatting to a group of guys which resulted in the beginning of my 'holiday fling' and me never thinking it would ever last past saying goodbye to one another before leaving for the airport. 

 However, that one week whatever it was resulted in me starting a relationship with this guy. He was a little older than me not by too much and from London, and as one of my friends lived in London and we would often go down there I really thought it could work out. We met up not long after getting back from holiday and the rest was history.  I didn't know a great deal about him but I soon found out he played semi pro football which i've never been clued up on and I was fully committed in making the LDR work. Don't get me wrong LDR (long distance relationships) are not easy by any means but I was young and dumb pretty much and I would do anything to prove the people around me telling it was a mistake, that they were wrong. 

 This relationship lasted for around 3-4 years or something like that and by the time it came to the end it was very much different from the beginning. The 'honeymoon' period I guess is really a thing, and once it comes to an end, if both parties aren't making effort, it inevitably comes crumbling down. In the beginning I would always make the effort to go down to London to see him and in the beginning I would stay at his and I think one time I met his mum. He was sweet so I thought and caring and always paid me attention. This one time I think it was a few months after we'd starting seeing each other I drove down for the weekend (which took around 5 hours fyi) and he decided to go to the shop to get something so I was just left there in the house and I seen he'd dropped his second phone. Yes I know before you say anything a second phone which you don't really know about is definitely a red flag moment And I guess my instinct said to "look through it" and I discovered he was messaging multiple different girls with very similar messages to those he would send me. As you can imagine I went crazy blah blah but after his persuasion he assured me it was a mistake he had made and wouldn't make it again and I stupidly forgave him and continued in the relationship. 

 Of course friends and family at the time would tell me I was stupid for doing this which fyi I was but it didn't matter to me because I was 'in love' with him and believed anything he said. Again very young and dumb and extremely naive. Anyway that relationship lasted a couple more years through multiple struggles and strains and limited effort on his part until it finally and thankfully came to and end sometime in early 2015 I believe. 

 Now, heres the interesting part. Throughout the time I was with him I had been talking to another guy i'd met before i'd met this guy on holiday. We were 'friends' only and nothing had ever happened between us in any way but he was always there for me when I needed someone to talk to and get advice from. We had a good relationship with a few ups and downs lol and we would go for periods of time not talking to one another but then other times we would talk for hours on the phone and he would listen to all my multitude of problems and offer some very sound advice. I can't deny the fact that I liked him, I had from he very first moment i'd met him. But I was stupid and was rushed off of my feet by the holiday romance and to this day it's one of my biggest not regrets - as I think they should all be learning curves and life lessons but one of those times I wish would have happened a little differently. I absolutely learned the hard way the true meaning of love after all of those bad decisions I made. 

  This guy i'd met was incredibly handsome and dressed so well. The night I met him he was draped in designer with iced out chains if i remember rightly lol and I was instantly hooked by his charm and conversation. He was from London and was in town for a weekend away with some of his friends. We met in a club when he came over to talk to me and knew my name which not many people did as i'd give out fake names to people I met was on nights out most times ha and was very unsociable to others to say the least It turned out the friends he was up with were some people i'd met on holiday the year prior and they'd spotted me and told him who I was. In his words "i'd be laughing all night at the amount of guys you knocked back who had come up to try and talk or dance with you" yup that sounds about right for me lol so he'd decided to come over and talk to me. We began to talk and exchanged numbers. Over the years we would talk but we'd never met up.  I would always find myself thinking about him, even when I was in the relationship. You know one of them ones were you don't feel happy but you're just doing the most to fake it and try make something work which is clearly very tarnished and doomed from the beginning ?! yeah it was one of those moments for me and I'd never considered it as cheating as were just friends and nothing had ever happened between us, except we spoke quite a lot throughout periods of time. 

 It was very new to me and nothing like I had experienced ever before. We would talk and then disagree on something as we had very different perspectives on things and he was from a completely different world to me and then I wouldn't hear from him for weeks or sometimes month. He'd block me or delete me and change his number. Then I might get a random message or email even and he would be in jail and letting me know where he was and that he was okay etc. Even through all of this I never gave up trying to make it something with Him and i'd message and email back even if I didn't get replies. There were a few occasions in those few years where we tried to meet. One was by chance when he was driving through Covent Garden in London at the exact time I was walking through there on my way to get the night bus back to my friends apartment after a night out. Which was very random but something I'll always remember as it was the first time I believe I had actually seen him since meeting him all those years before. And there was another occasion which I vividly remember in which we had arranged to meet up after my night out in Camden and we were texting back and forth a time and place to meet and he never showed up. I was absolutely devastated but it turned out that he'd been stopped by police en route and had been detained. Again I found this out because he emailed me from inside. Wild I know, you actually couldn't write the sh*t that happened during the time we knew each other lol 

 Eventually after everything we finally met up on the eve of me flying to New York with my best friend in 2015. We met in London and he took me around to the place he'd grown up and we talked for a good few hours. Even though it was the first we had met in so long, and officially, you may have thought it be awkward a little, but it was anything but. We had spoken to one another for so many years that I felt like I already knew him and this was just the cherry on the cake to finally meet him. We arranged to meet up once I got back from New York and we actually ended up meeting just after New Years it was actually New Years Day I believe in 2016. This would be the beginning of something special for me and we would meet regularly in London and we would spend time together. Speaking on the phone for hours and hours. With never a dull moment. 

Although he was from London he had travelled and moved around a lot during the time we spoke. From Atlanta, to Miami and New York, LA and then Australia. Even when we first met in person 2015 he was living in LA and he would literally fly the 12 hours from LA. Even when he moved to Australia literally the other side of the world, he would fly the 27 hours to come see me. Even if it was for 1-2 days. He made every effort to come and see me. (The complete opposite to my previous relationship) During this time we never really made it "official" between us or had that conversation but in my mind we were together and I was most certainly never seeing or communicating with anyone else. This continued from December 2015 until into 2017. Unfortunately things took a little turn for the worse and we spent a number of months most definitely 'separated'  and again I still didn't give up. Even when I was going through a very bad time myself mentally I never gave up on being with him. Some may read this and be like seriously?!?  you didn't just cut your losses and leave it be? But I honestly can't explain it, the way he made me feel, I just never wanted to give up on that and I had always imagined us being together. A part of my life which contributed to me being severely depressed was partly to do with everything that was happening in my life in terms of this 'relationship' with this guy. I had my heart broken, big time! and it wasn't until i'd met him and spent time with him and got to know the real him did I truly understand what being in love was and due to feeling this way it multiplied the intensity when I wasn't in the best place in my life. 

 Even after the really rough patch we went through, and my persistence in not giving up, (I literally believe in fighting for what you really want don't I lol) we finally met back up in late 2017 and since December 2017 it has been nothing but "us". And after different circumstances occurred on the 26th January 2018 he came up to the place I lived and we moved in together. We got our very first home and since that day there's never been a day thats gone by in which we haven't seen each other. We made our relationship official finally! and in August this year we got engaged and moved into our second home. 

It's been truly the most amazing time of my life over these last almost two years. From moving in with the man I love with all my heart, to getting engaged and planning for our future together. I thank him for every single thing he has ever done for me, and for us, and we wouldn't be where we are in life right now if it wasn't for the pain and sweat he puts into everything. He is the true definition of a 'hustler' and never gives up no matter what is thrown at him. He's my soul mate and my best friend. Through out all the ups and downs we have been through together and separately I honestly feel it's made us the people we are today. It helped bring us closer together by going through the darkest struggles before. We laugh and smile together and I thank him for helping me overcome my darkest time. I look forward to spending the rest of my life with him and starting our own family together one day soon...

  If you have stuck through this post to the very end I am so grateful to you. I feel it's been a long time coming to share a little snippet of my life and I thought after turning 30 it was the perfect opportunity. 

 I have a final part coming up which summarises what I have planned now I have turned 30 and I hope you can join me on that next part. 

   Part Four : What My Thirties Has In Store For ME  

Wednesday, 13 November 2019

Part Two : Friendships In My Twenties - & Where They Stand Now Im Thirty

Friendships ; The Ups & The Downs

From school to college i'd had the same handful of friends that i'd honestly considered to be "life long friends" - We would be out painting the town red every weekend or more like 4-5 times a week ; you guys know how it goes and we would be having the absolute best time making memories. Whether you were with the whole group or the odd one you were always guaranteed to be laughing and smiling or getting into some sticky situations. Those moments where you would sit down and look back at months or even years later and still be able to picture the exact place or time. We had some incredible times together and I think as anyone tends to do, you think these friends are going to be with you for a very long time. Over time they friendship group changed a couple of times and I lost best friends but it didn't completely break our friendship group - just altered it. 

 Even the people I had met through association with other friends of mine were always welcomed into the group and for me, it just added to the different personalities amongst us. We all had a laugh. Eventually though those friendship groups began to change, particularly when work and relationships began to take precedent in peoples lives. For me personally I always tried to make time to see them as they'd always been a part of my life and I couldn't have imagined it any other way. But when you get older and you see the people around you begin to change you start to wonder if people are right when they say it's very rare to have friends around you from your childhood once you become a fully fledged adult and this couldn't have rang more true for myself. People were changing, I was changing and there was no way of stopping the inevitable. 

Fast forward a few years and after endless holidays and nights in with the people I felt the closest to,  those I once considered to be "life long friends" , in my eyes, could not be bothered and quickly lost interest in having any time with me. This was around the time in which I had my diagnosis and I was unable to fully explain how it was making me feel. Inviting me to places would become less frequent which added more pressure to my anxiety and depression and gave me a greater feeling of worthlessness. Of course they knew what I was going through and I would try to be as honest as I could be with them about it and how it was making me feel, but it's something they were not willing to understand. Or in my opinion even try... it became more of a case of "you'll get better or you'll get past it" and it just doesn't work like that I'm afraid

 I began to lean on other people I had around me, people I had become friends with at work or people that I had always been friends with but not super super close to. And these became my confidantes through one of the darkest times. And that was when it suddenly dawned on me that said I need to let the people around me who have no time of day, or understanding or bring anything to the friendship anymore, go. It wasn't an easy decision for me to make by all means, I was losing friends of 10 plus years, but I had to put my health and wellbeing first and this was what I had decided was the best thing for me to do. 

 To this day I don't regret the decision I made to cut ties with the people who had once been such a huge part of my life. I'm happy and in the most amazing place in my life. 

 I now have a great bunch friends who were all there for me and did their absolute best to lift my spirits and make me feel like I was enough even in the darkest times. Who understood me or at least tried to and asked how I was feeling. 

   To all my friends who show support on the daily, keep me smiling and I know are always there for me no matter what, I couldn't be more grateful. And they all know who they are. 

Coming up ... Part Three : Relationships In My Twenties - & Where They Stand Now 


Monday, 11 November 2019

Part One - An Overview Of My Twenties : Now I've Turned Thirty (WTF)

November 3rd 2019 the day in which I said goodbye to my twenties and helloooo to a brand new chapter of my life. In all honesty I have no clue where the time has actually gone. On the one hand I'm looking forward to entering my thirties and starting again cliche I know and on the other I'm genuinely wondering how I even managed to make it this far.

 My twenties were filled with some of my best highs! There were weekends away and holidays with friends, far too much cheap shots being consumed, budget "hotels" if you can call some of them that (one of which i'm pretty sure was an actual barn - Location; somewhere in Greece/Animals were not included or harmed during our stay) and spending a large undisclosed amount of time on more rappers tour buses than i'd care to admit. #YIKES

Being young there's not much I really cared about, I wanted to live and experience as much as I could and following rules (what even are those?!) are the last thing on your mind. This is exactly how I lived. I feel you must learn from your own mistakes and just make them your life lessons. Ten years ago (ouch!) there wasn't the pressure on young people like there is nowadays (now you know I'm old as I sound like some preaching grandma ha) but Instagram didn't exist and Facebook was still relatively new and so I felt zero pressure to post pictures which only showed me in flattering light or angles. If photos from back in the day resurfaced of me in my many questionable outfit choices, high heels and the various hair colours and styles I tried, I'd literally just dieeee *Kourtney Kardashian Voice*

 I was young and living without a care in the world until suddenly I couldn't take it anymore and my world came crashing down. (Something I may go into further detail with in the future when I feel more comfortable to talk about it) Even after previous events in my life I was an outgoing and confident person. I enjoyed going out with friends and socialising. There wouldn't be a weekend that went by where I didn't have plans to do something.
 Fast forward to the age of 26 I was diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression. I had suffered for many years, in silence, before this 'official' diagnosis with feelings of deep sadness and anxiety and little self worth but it wasn't until I was told this that I really understood what I had been feeling all along.  I was consumed with so many emotions and predominately self destructing ones. I became less confident and opted to stay at home alone rather than going out.  It's not because I didn't want to, but rather I couldn't face it mentally or physically, and it really took its toll on me. This would dominate my life for years to come...

 I have since come to the realisation that all of the things I was dealing with and going through, were a huge contributor to my past failed relationships and friendships. Which i'll touch on in my next post.

Part Two : Friendships In My Twenties - & Where They Stand Now Im Thirty


Wednesday, 31 July 2019

Becoming A More Positive Person

 Where do I even begin with this one? ... At first I was envisioning naming this something along the lines of 'Removing Negativity' but then I was thinking, great so i'm about to start a positive post with the word  negativity? How ironic is that. And I guess that's where we

Tuesday, 22 January 2019

Body Confidence - The Reality

Body Confidence , two words that probably spark an internal break down for a lot of you, me included. Just those two words together, and what they stand for, ignites a variety of different feelings for me and for a number of different reasons.

  Firstly the term 'Body Confidence' is such a bold statement isn't it. Especially confidence because
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