Wednesday, 13 November 2019

Part Two : Friendships In My Twenties - & Where They Stand Now Im Thirty

Friendships ; The Ups & The Downs

From school to college i'd had the same handful of friends that i'd honestly considered to be "life long friends" - We would be out painting the town red every weekend or more like 4-5 times a week ; you guys know how it goes and we would be having the absolute best time making memories. Whether you were with the whole group or the odd one you were always guaranteed to be laughing and smiling or getting into some sticky situations. Those moments where you would sit down and look back at months or even years later and still be able to picture the exact place or time. We had some incredible times together and I think as anyone tends to do, you think these friends are going to be with you for a very long time. Over time they friendship group changed a couple of times and I lost best friends but it didn't completely break our friendship group - just altered it. 

 Even the people I had met through association with other friends of mine were always welcomed into the group and for me, it just added to the different personalities amongst us. We all had a laugh. Eventually though those friendship groups began to change, particularly when work and relationships began to take precedent in peoples lives. For me personally I always tried to make time to see them as they'd always been a part of my life and I couldn't have imagined it any other way. But when you get older and you see the people around you begin to change you start to wonder if people are right when they say it's very rare to have friends around you from your childhood once you become a fully fledged adult and this couldn't have rang more true for myself. People were changing, I was changing and there was no way of stopping the inevitable. 

Fast forward a few years and after endless holidays and nights in with the people I felt the closest to,  those I once considered to be "life long friends" , in my eyes, could not be bothered and quickly lost interest in having any time with me. This was around the time in which I had my diagnosis and I was unable to fully explain how it was making me feel. Inviting me to places would become less frequent which added more pressure to my anxiety and depression and gave me a greater feeling of worthlessness. Of course they knew what I was going through and I would try to be as honest as I could be with them about it and how it was making me feel, but it's something they were not willing to understand. Or in my opinion even try... it became more of a case of "you'll get better or you'll get past it" and it just doesn't work like that I'm afraid

 I began to lean on other people I had around me, people I had become friends with at work or people that I had always been friends with but not super super close to. And these became my confidantes through one of the darkest times. And that was when it suddenly dawned on me that said I need to let the people around me who have no time of day, or understanding or bring anything to the friendship anymore, go. It wasn't an easy decision for me to make by all means, I was losing friends of 10 plus years, but I had to put my health and wellbeing first and this was what I had decided was the best thing for me to do. 

 To this day I don't regret the decision I made to cut ties with the people who had once been such a huge part of my life. I'm happy and in the most amazing place in my life. 

 I now have a great bunch friends who were all there for me and did their absolute best to lift my spirits and make me feel like I was enough even in the darkest times. Who understood me or at least tried to and asked how I was feeling. 

   To all my friends who show support on the daily, keep me smiling and I know are always there for me no matter what, I couldn't be more grateful. And they all know who they are. 

Coming up ... Part Three : Relationships In My Twenties - & Where They Stand Now 


Monday, 11 November 2019

Part One - An Overview Of My Twenties : Now I've Turned Thirty (WTF)

November 3rd 2019 the day in which I said goodbye to my twenties and helloooo to a brand new chapter of my life. In all honesty I have no clue where the time has actually gone. On the one hand I'm looking forward to entering my thirties and starting again cliche I know and on the other I'm genuinely wondering how I even managed to make it this far.

 My twenties were filled with some of my best highs! There were weekends away and holidays with friends, far too much cheap shots being consumed, budget "hotels" if you can call some of them that (one of which i'm pretty sure was an actual barn - Location; somewhere in Greece/Animals were not included or harmed during our stay) and spending a large undisclosed amount of time on more rappers tour buses than i'd care to admit. #YIKES

Being young there's not much I really cared about, I wanted to live and experience as much as I could and following rules (what even are those?!) are the last thing on your mind. This is exactly how I lived. I feel you must learn from your own mistakes and just make them your life lessons. Ten years ago (ouch!) there wasn't the pressure on young people like there is nowadays (now you know I'm old as I sound like some preaching grandma ha) but Instagram didn't exist and Facebook was still relatively new and so I felt zero pressure to post pictures which only showed me in flattering light or angles. If photos from back in the day resurfaced of me in my many questionable outfit choices, high heels and the various hair colours and styles I tried, I'd literally just dieeee *Kourtney Kardashian Voice*

 I was young and living without a care in the world until suddenly I couldn't take it anymore and my world came crashing down. (Something I may go into further detail with in the future when I feel more comfortable to talk about it) Even after previous events in my life I was an outgoing and confident person. I enjoyed going out with friends and socialising. There wouldn't be a weekend that went by where I didn't have plans to do something.
 Fast forward to the age of 26 I was diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression. I had suffered for many years, in silence, before this 'official' diagnosis with feelings of deep sadness and anxiety and little self worth but it wasn't until I was told this that I really understood what I had been feeling all along.  I was consumed with so many emotions and predominately self destructing ones. I became less confident and opted to stay at home alone rather than going out.  It's not because I didn't want to, but rather I couldn't face it mentally or physically, and it really took its toll on me. This would dominate my life for years to come...

 I have since come to the realisation that all of the things I was dealing with and going through, were a huge contributor to my past failed relationships and friendships. Which i'll touch on in my next post.

Part Two : Friendships In My Twenties - & Where They Stand Now Im Thirty

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